Fears.

Fears.

    I've always been a little goofy. Once you break through the shy Emily, out comes the dorky Emily. Not many people have been able to see the dory Emily. I have always thought I'd stay the same--young, immature, careless, giddy, silly, fun--my whole life. I didn't anticipate what taking care of a child would really be like. I also might be putting to much pressure on myself as well. It's possible to be fun parents. I had fun parents. However these last couple weeks I feel this immense pressure to try to be the best parent. I also realize that that's near impossible. Maybe it's the fact that I've been raised in the Church. I love the church, I love the gospel, and i realize that the Lord will help compensate with everything I fall short of.
    
     Words. Back maybe 5 or so years ago, I found this quote by Jeffrey R. Holland from the talk "The Tongue of Angels": "...for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined..." After reading that, and really listening to what it had to say, I knew that I needed to lose a little bit of my temper, and learn to be a bit more kind. The part that talks --divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil....Woman's words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged...retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning could have imagined...-- I knew I couldn't inflict that feeling upon my husband, let alone a child that I brought into the world. So I have tried to be that angelic voice. Heaven only knows that I married the PERFECT man. He somehow is soo understanding when I have my freak out moments. He accepts my apology and continues to love me. I am no where near perfect now that I have a child. I feel that I have this fear harboring in my chest that I will never be able to conquor those shrill, biting, acrid and untamed words. I feel that I have the yelling anger under control, but it wasn't until recently that I have TRULY realized that it's not what you say, but how you say it. WOW I just sounded like my dad. Turns out I have had this HUGE problem with sarcasm. My whole life. My dad and mom knew it too. So did Tyson--but he's just as quick and can come up with some sarcastic remark back and I feel we are even and the argument doesn't pursue. But a child? When will I learn. I can't do that to anyone, let alone my baby.
    
     This brings us to my next fear. Growing up and moving on. I can no longer be a selfish person anymore. Tyson and I have always gotten along great. He understands when I have selfish moments, and knows how to handle those moments. We move on with life happily. We had a system. We were total nerds. We watched cartoons. We quote disney movies on a daily basis. We were young, immature at times, completely dorky...and for some reason I can't let myself be like that anymore. I should think that parents can still be fun. Right? I can't let myself be that way anymore. The past week all I see are the young, dorky things we do. Makes. Me. Sick. Would we have ever grown up if it wasn't for Payson? Ty doesn't feel this same way as I do. Why would he? I don't even know where to begin to explain how this makes me feel. I need to find a balance of being fun and young AND a parent, because right now, I am either a total teenager in my thinkings, or I'm a mean old person. I don't know how to merge my pre-baby life, with the way I feel my new life should be. I don't want to let go of my old life. I don't want to "grow up" and be a parent. I don't know HOW to be the adult. I've never had to be one. But then again, I'm excited to do something new. It's like a transitioning phase. Usually those don't happen until you retire... So why am I experiencing this now? Probably because I'm crazy and I over analyze EVERYTHING. I've also gotta learn to give Ty a break. I tried to explain how I feel in a "Tyson understanding element". He goes to work, he has to be a doctor--an adult. But when he comes home he can revert back to the silly man. I have to go to work, be a mom, and be an adult. The problem is, I don't get off. I can't find that switch to be silly, and I'm going batty with Tyson being silly. “Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” -Mary Manin Morrissey
"The hardest part about growing up is letting go with what you have been accustomed to and moving on with something that you haven't experienced  yet." -anonymous

     Gosh. If I don't figure this out soon. I'm  probably going to end up a mean old maid. Minus the old part. I'm only 23.