WARNING....journal post, very long.

First off, Happy New Years!.......This is going to be sort of a journal post, and from now on i'm going to post "journal" posts. I'll title them in warning. Next if you choose to read these posts, which by all means if i'm posting them i'm not opposed to anyone reading them, just know 2 things. 'A' I'm don't have any creative writing/any technique in writing/I basically suck at writing, so read don't critique. 'B' a lot of things may not make sense, trust me. haha. Just know that my rambling will come to a meaning, and if it doesn't, well somewhere in the sense of writing i found my answer and i probably forgot to type it. Now with that all known....Here goes number one. Ever since i can remember family history has been amazing to me. Not so much (this probably sounds bad) the temple work (which i should probably do and i'd find some amazing stories) but the person, the TRUE person. I've always wanted to know about people, read their experiences, the trials they went through, those they dated, what they grew up with, just things like that. Like my Great Great Grandma's personality, how she met my Great Great Grandpa. It's just one thing that i wish i had. Granted when we pass on and go to heaven i believe that we will recognize our ansestors and know all about them. But there are times here on earth that i wish i knew about them. Just as maybe a comfort ground knowing 'hey i'm like Great Grandpa.....' or 'Wow, Great Great Grandma went through a similar trial as i did, she made it through, i know i can....' little things like that my whole life i have wished for. With that I have become an avid journal writer. I have a journal that i started when i was 8. On my baptism day. now, i didn't write much feelings about how it felt to be baptized, but i do know i was excited and that my little brother almost fell in because he was leaning over the font. and so my years grew and in jr high all i talked about was how i like this kid and how he probably doesn't even know me. I even have record of the first time i ever swore (if writing it on paper is like swearing out loud) when i was in 8th grade playing basketball for school i was so mad about the team, that i said the "h...." word. no joke. i wanted to say it so bad...probably now as i look back at it just for the sake of being a rebel...but i was so afraid that if i did say/write it i would be struck down by a bolt of lightening. Well i still said it and haha i'm still here. phew! all that is irrevelant, basically my point is, is that i have 9 journals i'm in my 10th one since i was 8. mostly it's because maybe one day i'll have a great great granddaughter who wants to know about her great great grandma...maybe i wont, but writing in my journals has helped me through a lot of things, even if it was just sorting out all my crazy ideas so i can finally fall asleep. President Kimball once said "we may think there is little of interest or importance in what we personally say or do--but it is remarkable how many of our families, as we pass on down that line, and interested in all that we do and all that we say." even if i'm the only one in my family, it's amazing at how interested i am. My grandpa found a journal/ paper of theone (i think, i could be dead wrong. which is funny because it's important but i have it saved on my computer) anyways, i borrowed it and typed it up, i saved it. it was so interesting/sad. They had so many children yet only two lived. it is by far the neatest thing to have. that knowlege is somthing that, to me, is worth more than anything in the world. There is a talk i treasure that is by President Kimball... "Any Latter-day Saint family that has searched genealogical and historical records has fervently wished its ancestors had kept better and more complete records. On the other hand, some families possess some spiritual treasures because ancestors have recorded the events surrounding their conversion to the gospel and other happenings of interest, including many miraculous blessings and spiritual experiences. People often use the excuse that their lives are uneventful and nobody would be interested in what they have done. But I promise you that if you will keep your journals and records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to your families, to your children, your grandchildren, and others, on through the generations. Each of us is important to those who are near and dear to us—and as our posterity read of our life’s experiences, they, too, will come to know and love us. And in that glorious day when our families are together in the eternities, we will already be acquainted. Would every family, as they now hold their home evenings, train their children from young childhood to keep a journal of the important activities of their lives, certainly by the time they begin to leave home for schooling and missions? From time immemorial the Lord has counseled us to be a record-keeping people. Abraham had a book of remembrance, and Adam had one. You may think of them as not being as highly educated as we are, but they were well-trained people. Adam spent much effort being the school teacher for his children. He and Eve taught their sons and daughters. He taught them the gospel in their home evenings, and he taught them reading and writing and arithmetic. And they kept their books of remembrance. How else do you think Moses, many hundreds of years later, got the information? These records had been kept, and he referred to them and got the history of the world, which wasn’t in any library other than that. Can you see your responsibility? You should continue on in this important work of recording the things you do, the things you say, the things you think, to be in accordance with the instructions of the Lord. Your story should be written now while it is fresh and while the true details are available. Your private journal should record the way you face up to challenges that beset you. Do not suppose life changes so much that your experiences will not be interesting to your posterity. Experiences of work, relations with people, and an awareness of the rightness and wrongness of actions will always be relevant. Your journal, like most others, will tell of problems as old as the world and how you dealt with them. Your journal should contain your true self rather than a picture of you when you are “made up” for a public performance. There is a temptation to paint one’s virtues in rich color and whitewash the vices, but there is also the opposite pitfall of accentuating the negative. Personally I have little respect for anyone who delves into the ugly phases of the life he is portraying, whether it be his own or another’s. The truth should be told, but we should not emphasize the negative. Even a long life full of inspiring experiences can be brought to the dust by one ugly story. Why dwell on that one ugly truth about someone whose life has been largely circumspect? Your journal is your autobiography, so it should be kept carefully. You are unique, and there may be incidents in your experience that are more noble and praiseworthy in their way than those recorded in any other life. What could you do better for your children and your children’s children than to record the story of your life, your triumphs over adversity, your recovery after a fall, your progress when all seemed black, your rejoicing when you had finally achieved? Some of what you write may be humdrum dates and places, but there will also be rich passages that will be quoted by your posterity. We hope you will begin as of this date. If you have not already commenced this important duty in your lives, get a good notebook, a good book that will last through time and into eternity for the angels to look upon. Begin today and write in it your goings and your comings, your deeper thoughts, your achievements, and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. We hope you will do this, our brothers and sisters, for this is what the Lord has commanded, and those who keep a personal journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives." (sorry i posted most of it...i was only going to pick out a few favorite lines...but then it ended up being almost the whole thing...) anyways my point is that since i have grown up a lot of times i only end up writing my my journal when times are rough, or hard, or i'm mad. and a lot of things are said that at the time i feel, but not was i truly want. When i started this blog, i really just wanted to feel like i had something to "share" at work. i just started a new job with new people and i felt so out of place. i didn't feel like i would ever catch ahold of the things i was supposed to and i really just wanted to quite. I don't have the personality to talk about myself, mostly i just make super awkward situations for myself. I also don't have the talent/ability to go out of my way/comfort zone, to make new friends. How i'm still alive you may ask?? it's probably my cousin Kristy. She was my "rock". we were raised together, and she was the one person that could make the best out of everything and was the one who i wanted to be like. she kept me going or rather dragged me along until i was comfortable enough with the ones she pulled me around with that i made a friend. Which is where Nikki comes in. We did all sorts of stupid things. haha. and there was a long outstanding joke that we were "married". we honestly didn't do anything together, and nothing ever broke us apart. We had our fights...but somehow 3 days later i'd call her or she'd call and we'd be back to hanging out every second. back to my point, i started this blog wanting/and hoping i'd somehow feel better about work. and in a way i did. no one really talked about my blog or what i was doing, and that never bothered me...because i'd probably lead into some kind of awkward situation....but what the blog did help me to do was to document the small things in my life. to start thinking about the good things. and amazingly things started falling into place. I felt better at work, things got better with friends, family, everything. I felt like a better person. and now as i look back I haven't written in my book journal forever! I still take it everywhere with me just incase, but i don't need it. and so i'm saying now that my blog is sorta going to be my journal....so when i have a titled post as JOURNAL don't feel like you gotta read it, if you do, i hope something i say helps you with a trouble you are having, or that it brightens your day. but mostly i want it for me, to help me find the good in everything, and to help those that i leave this for know that i really do do fun things and that i really do have a positive attitude.

Next on the agenda......I got the Temple "letter". I don't really know what to call it, but i guess just a verification of our time and place! yay!!! I really am so super excited! but amongst it all i'm so nervous! It's all so strange to me. I do have a testimony of the gospel, and i know it's the right choice i'm making, but how nerve racking it is. but also so touching. knowing that even though all the bad and wrong choices i've made in my life, the atonement is there for me/for everyone and that i'm finally able to be sealed to my one true love, Tyson! It's amazing how we ended up together. I'm such the opposite of him. from day one of me and nikki staying up late late late and talking about the GORGEOUS guys that are around and telling my mom how GORGEOUS Tyson is and how he is so determined with his life. he has goals and everything i've ever wanted. he's so level headed (granted missing common sense) but that's what i love! he's witty, he loves me. We were different then from who we are today. somehow someone had events in our lives to put us on the right path, and somehow we ended up taking that trip together. i love Tyson so much. we have a rough life ahead of us. Him going to med school. me trying to keep us living. and both of us wanting kids in the future (faraway future...but still) I'm often asked what i think about tyson and med school. well i say bring it on! whatever happens happens, and as long as i have him by my side, i am set. I would love for him to be accepted into the UofU. life would be great. we'd be on our own but we'd be close enough to family that we can visit when we want. nevertheless, i'm not going to turn away a college out of state. yes as sad as that is i will miss my family terribly!!! i will cry and cry and cry!! but I can't turn down the experience that i will gain from going away. Why this thought has even occured to me i don't know. perhaps preparing me for moving away, or perhaps helping me to learn to lean on each other since we will stay in Utah and i wont get those blessings, i don't know. either way if we move away, we will have to lean on each other and offer support to each other and learn and grow in love more and more. Whatever happens, happens. and i believe it will happen for a reason. yes please pray for us, keep us sane, mostly me while he goes through school, that way i don't go insane. haha. but i know that through prayer the Lord will help you. it's in his own time, but your light will come. Alma 38:5 says "and now my son....I would that ye should remember that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your tirals, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day" I know the lord is there to help us, and He will always help us, yet sometimes we forget to accept his will, and that the things that happen happen for a reason. I know the church is true, and i'm so grateful for my parents and their patience, and for them raising me in the church.